Winter Passing
by WallsBreakDown
Summary: It's hard to face the Holidays when you're looking for the words to say. One-shot Jace/Alec.


**Its winter again, **

**a white washed and frozen sky. **

**I came to the door, **

**eyes maladjusted from the light. **

**But your voice rang clear. **

**You said, "For all I thought Id ever need, **

**its hard to face the holidays without..." **

**Well Ive left my last message on your machine. **

**Its hard to face the holidays when youre looking for the words to say. **

**When youre looking for the words to say. **

**So you found a friend **

**to spend all your cold nights with him. **

**But if I was there, **

**then Id wonder why **

**you still wear my jacket closed, **

**with traces of my scent. **

**And Id say "For all I thought Id ever need, **

**its hard to face the holidays without." **

**Well Ive left my last message on your machine. **

**Its hard to face the holidays when youre looking for the words to say. **

_**So stay with me here, **_

_**nose to nose, **_

_**cold enough to see as our breath **_

_**slowly escapes and exchanges **_

_**from my lungs to yours, **_

_**from your mouth to mine. **_

_**For all I thought I'd ever need, **_

_**it's hard to face the holidays without... **_

**Well Ive left my last message on your machine, **

**its hard to face the holidays when youre looking for the words to say. **

**Stay with me here, **

**nose to nose, **

**cold enough to see as our breath, **

**looking for the words to say, **

**when youre looking for the words to say....**

_**--winter passing--**_

Christmas. It was just around the corner. Every year, the normally cold and forboading walls of the institute became cozy and warm, decorated with golden tinsel, and lit with wax candles. The family would all get together and exchange gifts, do all those wonderful family like things. _How wonderful._ I thought sarcastically. _Another year gone by, and I'm still... alone._ Izzy giggled as she skipped down the hall, passing me. She flashed a smile I couldn't return. Everyone seemed to be overwhelmed with the holiday spirit; it had even snowed this year. But I couldn't get into it. While everyone reveled in the joy of the holidays, I felt more isolated than ever. I tried to tell myself that it was just... just my imagination. But I knew why. I had always known, and always will know. It was him. It had always been him.

He seemed much happier now. I knew that, and was thankful for that. He was never TRULY happy before. He said he was, he smiled, he smirked, he made his comments. But something was missing. Then, last year, she had showed up and everything was so much better for him. But not for me. _Jace Wayland. _ The name echoed through my head, and through my heart, growing stronger with each beat, every second, every day. No matter what I did, or tried to do, I will never be able to forget that boy. Be is my best friend, my brother. _And I love him. _

This Christmas, he had spent all his time with Clary. The two did everything together, whether it be just sitting by the fire, or wrapping gifts. Anything and everything. Izzy just went around being herself. I stayed in the library, trying to avoid Jace. When he chose Clary, something changed. We all knew it. but I felt it the most. Have you ever been punched in the stomach by your best friend? Well, that's what it felt like. Permenently. Where my heart once was, a void occopied that space. Jace hadn't broken it. Jace had BEEN my heart. And then he gave himself to Clary. Now, I had nothing. All I had was my thoughts, my dreams, and my tears.

My eyes scanned the pages of the book, but I didn't take any of it in. A few scarce words darted in front of my vision "_him...into...pretend...didn't...and...her..." _ I didn't understand. It wasn't making any sense. I threw the book down onto the floor. I let my head lawl back and stared up at the ceiling, my hands running along the sides of my face, through my hair. I tried to focus my mind on something, anything. But all I could see was Jace. His face, his trademark smirk placed on his lips, golden eyes alive. He was nothing, if not perfect. And unobtainable.

I looked out the window of the library. Snow blanketed the ground, mirroring the empty, vast space I felt inside me. Sliding down from my perch on the windowsill, I picked up the book, and slid it back onto the shelf. I loped out of the library, down the hallway. The tall stone walls followed my movement. I could feel someone's eyes watching me, but I assumed it was just Izzy, or someone. I didn't care that much. I grabbed a jacket from the hook beside the lift and threw it on, before calling the lift, and taking it down. The jacket smelled familiar... I knew the scent. It was musky and a tad spicy. _Jace._ It was his jacket. I thought of returning it, but the fabric was too comfortable, to lush. _You only think that because it's Jace's, _My mind told me. And I knew it was true. But I didn't care.

I stepped outside of the Institute, snow falling around me, settling around me and onto my shoulders and hair. A few flakes touched my skin, the freezing temperature of them burned my skin. Outside, in the snow, it was brighter than inside. All the white was blinding now. I squinted, trying to let my eyes adjust to the light. I could feel them watering, but I blinked the tears away.

"Alec?" I heard Jace's voice. I didn't know what he was doing here, why would he follow me? _He has CLARY to keep him company,_ I thought bitterly. He jogged towards me, through the snow. I noticed he grabbed my jacket, as I had taken his. I didn't mind, and he didn't seem to either.

"What?" It came out colder and harsher than I initially meant. He stopped a few feet away from me, and mumbled something. He cast his eyes downward, and a snowflake settled on his eyelash. "Pardon?" I said, not having understood what he said the first time.

"For all I thought I'd ever need, its hard to face the holidays without..." He sighed, and trailed off, still looking away. I raised my eyebrows, still confused by his actions, and his words.

"Jace." I tilted his chin up to look at me, and immediately dropped my hand, realizing my fault. I pretended not to notice any other meanings of the gesture, other than to get him to look at me. "What ARE you on about?"

"You haven't been yourself lately, Al." I held back a snort. _Lately?_ I thought to myself. _Someone's been observant. _"I miss you." He bit his lip, and met my eyes. I couldn't help but look back. When our eyes met, something inside of me stirred. It always happened. I couldn't stay mad at him, when ever we spoke, or met eyes, or anything, my resolve melted away. But I still felt confusion tugging at the back of my mind. Why now? What was Jace trying to say? I didn't understand.

"I haven't been myself for a long time, Jace." I said bitterly, and frowned, watching the snow fall around us. "I would have thought you would have noticed by now." He looked away, as if I had stung him. A look of slight guilt flashed across his angelic features, but he replaced it with a casual expression, and a shrug.

"That was noted, but I suppose..." He flicked a piece of hair from his face. "I suppose I just noticed a bigger difference in the past few days, I mean..." With that, Jace's shoulders slumped forward. His confident pose seemed less pronounced. His eyes flitted up to meet mine again, and when I looked at him, I didn't see the proud Jace Wayland I once knew. Instead, I saw a seventeen year old boy, lost, alone, and in pain. And I didn't understand.

"Jace," I said, my voice laced with confusion, worry, sadness, and every other emotion I had ever felt. "What do you want from me?" My voice was weak as I said those words, barely a whisper through the snow. He took a step towards me and my confusion grew. But I was tired of running. Running from confusion, running from anger. _Running from love._

He breathed the word, and it snaked it's way around the flakes into my ears, resounding through my brain. "You."

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. I felt his arms wrap around my neck, and without meaning to my body responded. The made their way around his waist, and my eyes closed. All feeling seemed to be gone. All I felt was numbness, yet I had never felt more alive. Even behind my closed eyelids, I could see Jace. He overwhelmed my thoughts and my senses. Beautiful, golden, perfect.

He rested his forehead on mine, and I could feel his breath against my lips, but neither of us moved. I opened my eyes, and met his. I could see the steam escape from his lips and enter mine, and then mine to his. I wanted to stay like this forever, just me and him, the snow settling on our heads. His warm body pressed up against mine, and I clutched him tighter.

Then, just as suddenly it had started, he pulled away abruptly. Once again, the word was more of a breath than an actual sound, but once again it snaked it's way into my eardrums and through my brain, and down into my heart, this time leaving it black and burned with it's path. _"Clary."_

My senses returned, and I watched his eyes grow wide with realization, before he sprinted back through the doors of the institute, without looking back. I stood alone, in the snow, like it had never happened. The only proof he had been here were his footsteps in the snow, leading a path through the untouched snow.

I pulled my phone from my pocket, feeling my eyes watering, this time not from the brightness of the outdoors. I pressed a few numbers, fingers fumbling over the keys, and held the phone to my ear. The ringing seemed oddly loud, and it seemed to make my head vibrate with each note. A click sounded, followed by a male voice. _"you've reached Jace's phone, I'm not available right now... _" I silently thanked the Angel it went to voice mail, so I wouldn't have to talk to him directly. I was startled from my thoughts by a beep.

"You were right." My voice sounded higher than normal. Strained, ready to crack. "It IS hard to face the holidays... when you're looking for the words to say." I paused for a second, eyes welling up with tears. "I love you." I snapped the phone closed, and let the tears slide down my cheeks silently.

And then I was alone. Alone again, like I had been, like I always had been. Like I knew I'd be forever. Even if there were others throughout the years, I knew there would be no one, who could EVER have a hold of my heart like Jace did. And forever would.

_**--fin--**_


End file.
